Honest Abe, Vampire Killer

By  ChrisJen Kelley

The killing of a douchebag vampire must be so freeing, so limitless.

First of all-who is gonna believe you?

Do you honestly think the masses of these mundane humans believe vampires exist? You and I know differently. We live in the real fucking world and we KNOW they most certainly do exist. Secondly...........there is NO crime killing a vampire. No crime at all. The law nor the Bible ( for you religious folks) mentions vampires or the killing of them.

SO all my fine fellow Slayers....slash, hack and chop away!

 President day has came and went without fail.

Why do we have this particular holiday? I know, I know to celebrate our great presidents of the past. One fucking day for ALL of the presidents but Christopher Columbus gets his very own day for "discovering" a place already inhabited by people! I don't get the logic on that one and of course a smell a conspiracy. However, that is for another discussion. I did ponder on our past presidents wondering If anyone had a chance to talk to ANY president for 1 hour, who would you choose? Most people say John F. Kennedy or Thomas Jefferson. Me, not so much. I want to talk to Abraham Lincoln. Not because he did great things- no, no,no because rumor has it - he was; Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Killer. If this is true- How fucking awesome is that?! Now that is definitely someone I would want to talk to!! Please don't get it twisted, I am all for vampires. The fangs, the blood, immortality and less not forget those special powers. Where do I sign? However, just like with any species there are good, the bad and then there are the douchebags. Killing a douche -bag vamp is a form of community service in my opinion.

Can you imagine hanging out with honest Abe as he tells you the stories of his hunts? Slice, dice, and chop. Rinse, repeat. There is a lot of mystery surrounding Lincoln. You just have to read between the lines. Did you know we had a
premonition of his own death? Or was it actually a clue that he had planned on faking his own death? Think about it- if you are vampire killer, you are gonna have your name written in red on someone's kill list. Abe had very little education yet became the leader of a country. He must have possessed some kind of skill to get that position. Abe was a farm boy who designed and set up the banking system. Now that's not suspicious at all? He was also known as a storyteller but nicknamed "Honest Abe". Were these "stories" a cover for the truth? He was also skilled in using an axe. An axe is a mighty good weapon for beheading a vamp. Just saying. A little observation I made.

The Civil War

I suspect, was about the secession of the southern states because of the abolishment of slavery wasn't the most acceptable thing to a slave owner, but what if.......far different than what we know in our history books. I will say this- vampires, slavery, you do the math. Who is gonna miss an an owned African or a stolen Native with no status in the community? Who would questioned if an "accident" was to befall a Chinese man or Irishmen working on the railroad. What better way to have endless supply of food and the variety of flavor without risking attention? Please don't misunderstand- I do not condone any type or form of slavery at all. Well, unless it comes with a "safe" word. (wink-wink). Any other kind of slavery is just unacceptable. Anyway- back on topic. Lincoln has always been a wonder an intrigue to anyone who sat up noticing his life.

The trail of clues he left behind. I invite you to take a closer look- perhaps with an enhanced perspective. You might be surprised as to what you will discover. If you really want to dig a little deeper- read or watch "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" by Seth Grahame- Smith and be ready to view our "Honest Abe" in a whole new light.

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